I had kind of a tough week. As previously stated, my Mom was here until Tuesday morning, which was great! However, it did leave me a little tired and absent of things like clean laundry, food in the fridge and an abundance of things like errands and the like. I say this not to complain but simply to say I was already counting down the days to Friday.
However as an added bonus my shortened work week SUCKED. Seriously S-U-C-K-E-D. As a further added bonus, my shortened work week was not shortened at all but rather lengthed. I had one whole extra day of suckitude added when today became a business day AND I have to go in to work tomorrow as well (though only for like an hour, but with the new changes on the CTA? That will probably take me 4 hours).
All of this incredible suckiness has left me thoughtful. What better place to talk about one's thoughts than an incredibly public blog? Clearly you all believe I am right or else you wouldn't read said blog. Also, clearly I am not a secretive person.
I've been struck by the frequency of which I live in the moment. Perhaps far to often, I do what is best for the short term, allowing myself to be swayed by a second of triumph or feeling of personal determination. The result of this week has been that perhaps I made a very big mistake last year right around this time and committed myself to an endeavor which will not have the rewards or even personal gratification originally promised. I have the very strong feeling that though I gave my word to stay in Chicago and have now been true to my word for 1 full year and counting, my boss may not value the tremendous personal sacrifice that I made and furthermore may not actually fulfill his end of the bargain. Which would be fine. If he did so in an honorable way. And I'm not sure that he isn't running scared.
In juxtaposition to my real life, I've been rereading Gone With the Wind lately (not cover to cover but sort of a general skimming). Rob and I then rewatch the movie. As a fun side story and completely unrelated tangent, I got Gone With the Wind in mind, when I saw a picture in Martha Stewart Living of people in a typical Martha Living Room, watching GWTW and eating ginormous chocolate chip cookies. Which is exactly what Rob and I did.
To return to my point -- say what you will about Gone With the Wind, but there is a great deal of depth in those characters. Everytime I read that book I find myself drawn to sooo many people within the story. This time I found myself wondering, in my life am I a Scarlett or a Melanie? I fully well realize that I have some Scarlett tendencies, but I would truthfully prefer to be a Melanie 9 days out of 10 (that 10th day being the day when Melanie is too weak to get herself away from Sherman's army and is passed out in a buggy).
So I guess my point is, why is it that I'm still waiting to become the things that I want to be? I always have this rather vague feeling like there will always be second chances. I often find myself thinking that at the end of my life I will be ridiculously wise and conscious of all the mistakes I made and all of the successes I enjoyed. Only occassionally am I struck by the idea that by that time it will all be over with no opportunity to do it all again.
In summation, I have come to some conclusions tonight which I share with you all in hopes that this struggle may someday help each of you as well. I will never again loose sight of the things that I want in my life. And I will stop waiting around for the time to be right to go after those things. Please believe me when I say those things very much involve the friends and family that I know read this (and Rob, who I know does not).
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